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April Fool!

March 31, 2015

We can neither confirm nor deny that the following essay fell out of a fifth-grader’s notebook.

Presidents Pierce, Buchanan, and Garfield were all log cabin Presidents, but Lincoln is the greatest because he was born in a log cabin he built with his own hands.

Lincoln was a lawyer who never told a lie.  He told jokes instead and got the jury laughing.

Lincoln wore a top hat so people would recognize him after he grew a beard.  Nowadays we are used to seeing him without a hat, but when his picture first appeared on the five dollar bill, people said: “Who’s that?”

Lincoln and his 1860 opponent Stephen Douglas were both from Illinois.  They both courted the same woman, Mary Todd, but she chose Republican Lincoln because she didn’t want to be a Democrat First Lady and then run for President herself.

Lincoln never got to see the end of the Civil War.  He was shot in his seat while he was watching it in Ford’s Theater.  The next day he died.  When the Secretary of War heard about Lincoln’s death, he said: “Now he belongs to the adages.”

Many bad things have happened since Lincoln was President, and if he were alive today, he would be rolling in his grave.

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